Mad Daughter

I’ve been bitten by the baby bug.  This is most unfortunate, considering I already have a rambunctious, adorable baby and really don’t need another one.  The baby fever bug should be for the non-parents looking to enter into the wild world of parenting.  Perhaps my bug is cause-and-effect related to Graham’s fast approaching 2nd birthday, or Ella Violet’s 3rd birthday (next week!! Someone save me.. my baby doll is a big girl!).  In order to alleviate this terrible fever, I’ve decided to recount (for no one in particular) the story of the birth of Graham.  Here we go… (surely remembering this awful experience will cure me… right?)

I found I was pregnant with Graham in mid-April, 2009.  Our first doctor’s visit was April 24, 2009, where we learned I was 8 weeks pregnant (denial, anyone?).  We had an ultrasound, saw the speck of a baby, heard the heartbeat and fell in love.  It was one of the most surreal moments of my life.  Background – I have endometriosis and was likely not able to get pregnant.  I have had horrible periods most of my life and had been warned that pregnancy would be difficult, if not impossible.  For that reason, I wasn’t on birth control because it didn’t matter if I was on BC or not.  Unexpected pregnancy after 3 months of marriage resulted from that decision.

I was sick from about 6 weeks on.  I vomited like clockwork; first thing in morning, sometime around mid-morning, early evening and in the middle of the night.  I lost 10 pounds in the first trimester and never gained a pound.  The only food I could tolerate was fresh fruits and veggies.  My prenatal vitamins made me vomit so fiercely that I seriously thought I was going to die.  Mom thought I was making it up until I made her take one and then laughed as she vomited 30 minutes later.  We threw them away that  very day.   I vomited during my American Political History class final, barely making it to the bathroom.  I vomited in the church bathroom more times than I can count.  It was rough and I hated every minute of it.

We found out we were having a boy on June 15, 2009.  One of the best days of my life.  We decided on his name, John Graham, a few days after learning the sex.  John is a family name on both sides; my dad’s first name is John and Joseph’s dad’s first name was John.  Graham came from Dr. McClurkan, who mentioned the baby was the size of a Teddy Graham cracker at our first ultrasound.  From that came the nickname “Teddy” and then we decided Graham was perfect.  Thus, Teddy Graham was christened.

I started showing early but hid it.  I was so embarrassed because I didn’t look pregnant, just fat.  I held off on wearing maternity clothes until it was absolutely necessary, out of pride.  Someone women feel gorgeous while pregnant; I felt like a fat cow.  It wasn’t enjoyable.  My skin was pale, my hair fell out, I had acne, I was ridiculously swollen and puffy – it wasn’t a good time for me.

I was in college when I found out I was pregnant.  Set to graduate in December, I had a shit-load of classes to take.  The summer I was pregnant I took 6 classes; fall semester I had 18 hours.  I do not recommend that path for anyone.  Not only was I exhausted ALL the time, concentrating was extremely difficult and I couldn’t fit behind the desks.  As the oldest person in most of my classes, the 21-year-olds just couldn’t understand why I was pregnant and giving up so much of my life.  I felt like I was in high school, knocked up and disgusting.  People tried to help me down the stairs… it was embarrassing.

By the time I was in my second trimester, we moved to a larger house and I went on a girls trip to Nashville.  I had FINALLY stopped puking around the clock and was beginning to enjoy myself.  I looked pregnant, bought better makeup to hide the ugly skin outbreaks and ate a BUNCH (gained 7 pounds in the month of August.. oops).  Mom had purchased many of the necessary baby things and I loved to look and touch all of his beautiful little clothes and blankets.  Things quickly unraveled from the happy month of August.

In early September I developed a nasty sinus infection, common for me and my horrendous seasonal allergies.  Sinus infections while pregnant feel a thousand times worse.  I had no energy whatsoever and missed LOADS of class.  The vomiting returned because I was put on iron supplements and a new prenatal vitamin.  Unbeknownst to anyone (because I didn’t tell anyone, dismissing it as “common” and telling myself not to be a wuss) I was developing a weird heart rhythm and severe headaches.  I was seeing spots, sometimes large, blooming spots that would blur my vision.  The headaches were constant and not controlled by medicine.  My heart would beat so erratically; it was terrible and strange.  I finally mentioned the strange heart rhythm to my doctor, who dismissed it and told me to look out for other symptoms, such as high blood pressure (how the HELL was I supposed to know what my BP was? stupid) severe headaches (check) and blurry vision (check).  I didn’t mention the other symptoms to my doctor because they were sporadic and I dismissed them as side effect of being tired.

By October the symptoms were worse and I felt awful.  I missed class, missed exams and couldn’t hardly drag myself out of bed.  I would make it to class, feet swollen, and by the end of class, my feet and legs would be so swollen I could barely walk.  I stumbled many times, causing the aforementioned 21-year-olds to freak out.  Thank God my professors were kind, gentle men who excused my absences and were ridiculously lenient.  The second weekend in October a good friend got married and I was in her wedding.  My dress looked like a small tent and my feet were so fat, they spilled over the sides of my dress shoes.  I was pale and had big dark circles under my eyes.  Suffice to say, those are not the most flattering pictures.  The wedding nearly did me in – on the drive home to Jonesboro, I cried and scared Joseph to death because I was so out of it.

The VERY next weekend I took Elizabeth to a small town about 4 hours from Jonesboro for yet ANOTHER wedding.  Damn you October weddings!  My poor little sister was also unexpectedly pregnant and suffering from severe nausea.  She didn’t want to back out of the wedding, and she also didn’t want to travel alone.  At the wedding, I chatted with an old friend who told me she wasn’t feeling very well, and didn’t want to give me her cold.  Completely unknown to both of us, she had H1N1, or “Swine flu”.

The next weekend was my 26th birthday.  Joseph and I had planned a “babymoon” to Little Rock and I was beyond excited.  We were going to stay at the Capital Hotel, eat at a fabulous restaurant and go to the Egyptian exhibit at the Arkansas Arts Center.  By the time we left on our trip I wasn’t feeling well.  My head hurt, I was congested, running a fever and nauseated.  Joseph didn’t want to go but I insisted.  I didn’t have any energy but tried to fake it so Joseph could enjoy the weekend.  He knew better and was very worried about me and my worsening condition.  It took us hours to walk through the exhibit at the Arts Center, mostly because I had to stop every 10 minutes to sit down and catch my breath.  On my actual birthday, Sunday, October 26, Joseph took me to the emergency room.   The ER was busy and I was deemed to not be “that” sick, so they put me in the fast-track area and I saw an APN, not a doctor.  Because my fever wasn’t very high (around 100 – 101 degrees) they sent me home with a common antibiotic.  Mom drove from Houston that very night, arriving in Jonesboro around midnight.  She checked my BP and heart rate, smiled and tried not to look worried.  She sat with me all night, bringing me water and helping me when I would cough myself silly.  The next day I convinced her I felt better and just needed to take my antibiotic.  The day after, she wasn’t convinced any longer and she and Dr. McClurkan made me go the ER, yet again.  I was admitted with double pneumonia and H1N1.  I was 34 weeks pregnant.  I cried.

In the hospital I had constant, hard contractions.  The OB nurses, sent down to monitor me, smiled but were worried.  A pulmonologist was consulted because of the state of my lungs.  I had to wear oxygen and receive hourly breathing treatments.  A cardiologist was consulted because I had developed fluid around my heart.  There was talk of delivering Graham early.  I cried again.

They sent me home and I was placed on bedrest.  Basically I couldn’t get off the couch without someone’s permission.  No school, no church, no visitors, nothing but doctor’s appointments.

I was allowed to leave the house and attend my first baby shower.  I was so sick and exhausted I almost didn’t make it through the experience.

By mid November, Mom and Dr. McClurkan were growing increasingly worried.  I was so swollen that I couldn’t walk.  I had to take my wedding ring off.  I needed help to walk to the bathroom.  I couldn’t get my shoes on.  My heart was beating strangely and the spots were worsening.  Dr. MC made me pee in a jug for 24 hours and ran lots of lab tests.  When the results were back the office manager called and told Mom we needed to come up there, ASAP.  Dr MC told me I had developed severe pre-eclampsia and HELLP Syndrome.  I gained over 10 pounds that month, even though I wasn’t eating hardly at all.  His words, “Amara, if we don’t deliver this baby you are going to die. Or he will die.  Or both of you will die.  I will not let that happen” scared me to death.  I cried.  We went to the hospital that very day to be induced.  I was 37 1/2 weeks pregnant.  I cried some more.

On November 20, 2009, I was induced.  Also unknown at the time, Graham was transverse posterior.  My little monkey was turned, one foot down, facing backwards.  Essentially, this makes labor very difficult and usually results in a cesarean section.  I was in such severe pain that I opted for an epidural (while only dilated to 4cm.. I was humiliated).  The epidural was brilliant and made all the difference in the world.

Sparing the gory details, I pushed for over 2 hours and was minutes away from being whisked to the OR for a C-Section when Graham was born.  I cried, a lot.  His birth and the knowledge that my horrible pregnancy was finally over was the best moment of my life.  I looked at Dr. MC and said “It’s OVER!” He laughed and was as relieved as me.  He told Joseph that we didn’t need to have any more children.

My baby was beautiful.  Dark brown curls, sweet chubby cheeks and petal soft skin.  I was in love from the first second I laid eyes on him.  7 lbs and 6 oz – we made it to full term!

Welcome world!

Nothing was very easy after Graham was born; I was swollen for weeks, very weak and had zero energy.  However, by the time Graham was 6 weeks old, my energy levels started to rise and I finally felt better.  We struggled with nursing but he was the most angelic baby.  It wasn’t his fault, it was mine, and even though it broke my heart not to nurse him exclusively, he was healthy and growing.

When I think back on all this, I can’t imagine going through all of that to have another baby.  But then I remember how I felt in the picture above… exhausted, happy, content, scared, peaceful, relaxed, worried… and I remember how soft his skin was, how perfect his features were, how motherhood came so naturally… and I can’t help it.  I want another baby.

-Amara